The good, the bad, and the bunny

This month has just been a whirlwind. Elena went to Jackson's daycare for 2 days, which didn't go so well, but I finally found a daycare that had an opening that I liked. I was so relieved to not only find a good school, but the fact that they are squeezing her in, makes me very happy. They won't have an opening for Jackson until May, but at least this gives me a good opportunity to make sure I like the school before I move him. I really hope he will like it there. It seems like they concentrate on education a little more than at his current school.

Jackson got tested for the peer program at Walter Hill and I am praying that it went well. He apparently impressed some of the teachers, they even made a note of it on his form and wanted one of the woman who I suppose makes the decision to meet him. Please keep your fingers crossed. If he gets in, not only can I be assured that it's a good program and he will learn everything he needs to learn for Kindergarten, but he'll be at an actual school so he can get used to that, a close friend of ours is a teacher at the same school as well, so he can keep his eyes on him, but also saving $8,000 a year will be awesome!

So Elena had her first day at the new school, and apparently it went well, other than she didn't eat very well, and when John to come pick her up, she was eating her baby fruit snacks, and started choking. The teacher gave her a little heimlich and she was fine, just a little shaken. I'm so glad I wasn't there, I would have been freaked. I am REALLY hating this new schedule of working all week, and my little girl being gone! I'm hoping in the coming months, that I can change my schedule around a little and do more part-time work, and more kid time at home.

I'm still working on the positivity, but it's been a little tough. I am just in a real funk, and it just seems like so much in my life isn't going the way I want or planned, and it's a little discouraging. John's stressed and then I get stressed and it just isn't good sometimes. I said the most hateful thing to him today, and I feel bad that I did, but the worse part was I really meant it, at least at that moment. I tend to be one of those passionate people who lives in the moment and I have a hard time distinguishing from just a fight and hate. It's awful and I really need to work on it.

My Mom kept the kids Saturday night, so John and I had a date. We went to Olive Garden and I used my gift card I won at Bunco. It was good. I had a pomegranate martini and the Chicken Fontina. Pretty good, but I guess I am just spoiled by how good Marina's is. We went to go see Vantage Point after and it was a pretty good movie. It was just bizarre because John and I had just had a conversation about what do they do if a movie doesn't have an audience, do they still play it? Well, we went to a theater in Nashville that had hardly anybody there, and when we got there, we were a little late, so we thought the movie would have already started. Wrong. The movie wasn't even going, and the theater was EMPTY! So we sat there waiting for the movie to begin, which it didn't, so John had to go tell them to start it. It was so odd being the only people there. Of course John would have liked to go in the backrow for a little bit of romance, but I had eaten way too much at Olive Garden, lol. It was really nice to have some couple time, but I swear, when I don't have my kids, I feel like I'm missing a limb or something. We went to my Aunt's house on Easter Sunday to pick them up and I was just so thrilled to see them. I dressed Elena up in a beautiful little dress and even though she wouldn't cooperate for any really good pictures, John still got some that showed how adorable she looked. I'll have to get him to post some soon.

It was nice doing the egg hunt, and Elena is actually pretty good at finding the eggs, she's even better finding jelly beans, man she really likes jelly beans. lol It was just very nice.

The scariest day of my life

Today has officially been the scariest day of my life, and trust me I have had my share of scary days, but today I saw my life flash in front of my eyes! We were at the Smyrna park, which was PACKED, John, me, Jackson, Elena, my Mom, Aunt, and nephew. My Aunt and I had been talking about how I never lose sight of my kids, and she was telling me these horrible stories about attempted kidnappings. Anyway, so we were all playing and having fun. I had Elena, and I THOUGHT John was watching the boys, apparently my Mom had been watching the boys play hide and seek, so John thought she was watching them the whole time, and he was just watching them a bit. So he noticed he couldn't see Jackson, and then asked if I knew where he was, I totally freaked, we started searching the entire playground. I was holding Elena at the time, and was starting to really freak because my nephew said he didn't know where he was, they had been playing hide and seek. So I gave Elena to my Aunt, and we're frantically calling him, running around the whole playground, people are staring at me. I swear I have never been so afraid in my life!

This all happened in just a matter of probably a minute or two, and while I know some people probably wouldn't have been terrified, I am not used to just letting the kids go without watching them the whole time. I don't even feel comfortable letting Jackson go in CEC without me knowing where he is the whole time. I just saw my life flash in front of my eyes, never seeing him again, Elena being the only sibling, etc, I was just completely utterly horrified. I was afraid that maybe somebody taking him ( thanks Aunt Les for the horror stories, when I already worry enough) or even just him wandering off and getting lost somewhere. So he heard us calling, and came out from his hiding spot, I see John walking up with him, and I just run for him, hugging him with tears welling up in my eyes. It took me quite a few minutes to calm down, stop the tears, and collect myself. Maybe a little dramatic for some, but I honestly can't live my life without my children, it would kill me, or might as well, because I truly wouldn't have a reason for living. I had to send the kids off with my Mom and Aunt for a minute while John just held me trying to get me to calm down.

Right after this fiasco, John was holding me trying to calm me and we see a Mom chasing her one son, while holding the other son. He was running into the parking lot and I swear he was only like two feet away from getting hit. John and I are watching this like it's in slow motion and we scream " Stop". Fortunately the car saw him, just as they were about to hit him. It was just awful!!! So after all of this horror, I decided I had enough of a scare for one day, and we headed home.

On the way home, Jackson and I had another talk about strangers and what to do if a stranger tries to get him to go with him. We spent the whole ride talking about it, and I hope he remembers and practices what I taught him. So I am just feeling thankful for having both of my children safe at home.

Back on track

Well, I had been in a pretty bad mood last week, and had also been pretty bitter this week about having to work at the shop so much instead of enjoying my new schedule of working at home. It's funny, I hadn't really had the new schedule that long, I guess just long enough to get spoiled by it. I'm really surprised by how much working at home has changed me. I never in a million years would have thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, just never seemed my bag, but now, to my amazement, I would absolutely LOVE to stay at home! Now mind you, this isn't really an option, which added to my bitterness, for you stay at home Moms I hope you really count your blessings.

Anyway, I also felt a twinge of guilt for now feeling this way, when I never felt that way when Jackson was a baby. No I don't love Elena more or Jackson less, it's just circumstances are different now. I'm older and try to appreciate Elena's baby years, whereas with Jackson I was just anxious for him to be a toddler. I never really was much of a baby person, and I still prefer kids when they are walking, talking, exhibiting so much of their personalities, but I also know that there are so many precious moments when they are babies and everything is so brand new for them. They can be in total awe of something so simple as discovering their hand. I also know this time goes by much too quickly. Also Elena is an easier baby in the regards that she can be put down for a nap which allows me some time to get things done. With Jackson I couldn't get him to nap, and I never got anything done as I was always holding him. It just stresses me to not be able to get anything accomplished. So the working at home, and enjoying my precious babe, is a wonderful thing and it is so much more relaxing for me, that I wish I could just keep things this way forever, but times change and I know all too soon, Elena will have to go into daycare at least part time. It saddens me, but it makes me appreciate this time all the more. Gee, am I being sentimental tonight or what? lol

So, I am feeling better today, realizing I have to make the most of what I have, that I can't change certain circumstances, and just happy that after busting my butt at work today, I got to pick my sweet little girl up from MDO and watch her saying "woof" when you ask what a dog says, and take her home to spend a little time with her before putting her down for a nap and getting some things done. It's a good day indeed!!!

A new week

So last week was WAY too stressful and I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that the week is done. Work was stressful, we went to the hockey thing for Jackson which he barely did and Elena was AWFUL!!!! She didn't want to be held, wanted to climb the bleachers, was shrieking at the top of her lungs, people staring, it was just surreal. We never had stuff like that with Jackson. We left and got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Like a mile in 30 minute kind of traffic, so we turned around and went a different route. Elena and I are not going back with the guys this week, I need at least a week to recuperate, lol.

Valentine's day is over and I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. My Mom's group did Secret Valentine's and I have to say it stressed me more than I needed to. Long story that I won't bore you with, but I am relieved that I don't have any more gifts to buy for a while. I spent lots of time and money on it, and I just don't have either to spare right now. John and I had a bumpy start to V-Day but it got better later in the evening. I got a nice little Sony Walkman, some flowers, good food and sweet cards. Not bad overall.

So lately my positivity has gone out the window, lots of griping, etc and I hope I have found the solution. It's a book called Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation. I really need to find this book. I do have a hard time appreciating what I have, focusing more on the what I don't and it just doesn't work. I need to be happy for what I do have, and stop concentrating on how great I think others have it. Sometimes those people that we think are so perfect or have it so great, really don't. Focus on the positive, yep, that's what I'm going to try to do.

I'm going to end this post asking for a little prayer for my Mom. She has been sick this week, and while it shouldn't have been a big deal, my sister's family all had it and recovered in less than a week, my Mother's scleroderma makes it harder for her body to fight infection. She went to a walk-in clinic and they tested her white blood count and will get back to her if there's a problem. They also told her not to go back to work until the end of this week. That's two weeks of being sick. She sounded horrible on the phone, and I just worry for her. With her disease she has so many issues and her life expectancy with it is not that great either. So please if you could just say a little prayer that there isn't a bigger underlying issue or that her disease just won't let her heal and it develop into something more serious. Thanks!

Ugh!!

I am just in a crappy mood right now. Maybe it's just hormones, or something just going around, but I am in such a crappy mood and have been the past few days. I don't like when I get in these "moods" and hope it will be over quickly. I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and wonder why the hell I even bother sometimes. This is not keeping with my New Year's resolution about being positive. That's kind of right out the window at this point. Will try to do/be better soon, but right now, I'm just annoyed and feel like I am alone in my own little mad ticked off world. grrr

Oh one positive note to this, geez I swear I am bipolar, Jackson looked so FREAKIN' ADROABLE in his new hockey gear!!!!