Back on track

Well, I had been in a pretty bad mood last week, and had also been pretty bitter this week about having to work at the shop so much instead of enjoying my new schedule of working at home. It's funny, I hadn't really had the new schedule that long, I guess just long enough to get spoiled by it. I'm really surprised by how much working at home has changed me. I never in a million years would have thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, just never seemed my bag, but now, to my amazement, I would absolutely LOVE to stay at home! Now mind you, this isn't really an option, which added to my bitterness, for you stay at home Moms I hope you really count your blessings.

Anyway, I also felt a twinge of guilt for now feeling this way, when I never felt that way when Jackson was a baby. No I don't love Elena more or Jackson less, it's just circumstances are different now. I'm older and try to appreciate Elena's baby years, whereas with Jackson I was just anxious for him to be a toddler. I never really was much of a baby person, and I still prefer kids when they are walking, talking, exhibiting so much of their personalities, but I also know that there are so many precious moments when they are babies and everything is so brand new for them. They can be in total awe of something so simple as discovering their hand. I also know this time goes by much too quickly. Also Elena is an easier baby in the regards that she can be put down for a nap which allows me some time to get things done. With Jackson I couldn't get him to nap, and I never got anything done as I was always holding him. It just stresses me to not be able to get anything accomplished. So the working at home, and enjoying my precious babe, is a wonderful thing and it is so much more relaxing for me, that I wish I could just keep things this way forever, but times change and I know all too soon, Elena will have to go into daycare at least part time. It saddens me, but it makes me appreciate this time all the more. Gee, am I being sentimental tonight or what? lol

So, I am feeling better today, realizing I have to make the most of what I have, that I can't change certain circumstances, and just happy that after busting my butt at work today, I got to pick my sweet little girl up from MDO and watch her saying "woof" when you ask what a dog says, and take her home to spend a little time with her before putting her down for a nap and getting some things done. It's a good day indeed!!!

A new week

So last week was WAY too stressful and I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that the week is done. Work was stressful, we went to the hockey thing for Jackson which he barely did and Elena was AWFUL!!!! She didn't want to be held, wanted to climb the bleachers, was shrieking at the top of her lungs, people staring, it was just surreal. We never had stuff like that with Jackson. We left and got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Like a mile in 30 minute kind of traffic, so we turned around and went a different route. Elena and I are not going back with the guys this week, I need at least a week to recuperate, lol.

Valentine's day is over and I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. My Mom's group did Secret Valentine's and I have to say it stressed me more than I needed to. Long story that I won't bore you with, but I am relieved that I don't have any more gifts to buy for a while. I spent lots of time and money on it, and I just don't have either to spare right now. John and I had a bumpy start to V-Day but it got better later in the evening. I got a nice little Sony Walkman, some flowers, good food and sweet cards. Not bad overall.

So lately my positivity has gone out the window, lots of griping, etc and I hope I have found the solution. It's a book called Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation. I really need to find this book. I do have a hard time appreciating what I have, focusing more on the what I don't and it just doesn't work. I need to be happy for what I do have, and stop concentrating on how great I think others have it. Sometimes those people that we think are so perfect or have it so great, really don't. Focus on the positive, yep, that's what I'm going to try to do.

I'm going to end this post asking for a little prayer for my Mom. She has been sick this week, and while it shouldn't have been a big deal, my sister's family all had it and recovered in less than a week, my Mother's scleroderma makes it harder for her body to fight infection. She went to a walk-in clinic and they tested her white blood count and will get back to her if there's a problem. They also told her not to go back to work until the end of this week. That's two weeks of being sick. She sounded horrible on the phone, and I just worry for her. With her disease she has so many issues and her life expectancy with it is not that great either. So please if you could just say a little prayer that there isn't a bigger underlying issue or that her disease just won't let her heal and it develop into something more serious. Thanks!

Ugh!!

I am just in a crappy mood right now. Maybe it's just hormones, or something just going around, but I am in such a crappy mood and have been the past few days. I don't like when I get in these "moods" and hope it will be over quickly. I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and wonder why the hell I even bother sometimes. This is not keeping with my New Year's resolution about being positive. That's kind of right out the window at this point. Will try to do/be better soon, but right now, I'm just annoyed and feel like I am alone in my own little mad ticked off world. grrr

Oh one positive note to this, geez I swear I am bipolar, Jackson looked so FREAKIN' ADROABLE in his new hockey gear!!!!

Always Too Much To Do

Why is it my family and I do so much? I really don't plan of booking us all week for stuff, and would love to have some time to just lounge at home with nothing to do, but somehow, it just never works out that way. Our weekends are always gone before they even started.

Friday I went to a Valentine's playdate with the kids and then took both kids to Kroger. It's not so bad taking them both out for the most part, I even ran into Jackson's old teacher who commented on how good the kids were being and how relaxed I looked, like grocery shopping with 2 kids is effortless. lol She must have caught us a good moment. So then it was home, which was almost 7 by then, get the groceries unloaded, kids fed, bathed and bed, then a little cleanup and it's time for bed.

Saturday, had to meet my trainer in the morning, CEC playdate, then naptime for the kids and off to another playdate at Steve's in the evening. Very full day.

Sunday, met my family in Nashville. Where the heck did the weekend go???

So Monday I have to go in and work a little since John is taking Jackson to get fitted for hockey in Franklin, then after work it's to the gym and home. Tuesday night it's a Preds game. Wednesday it's back to Franklin for all of us, for Jackson's first hockey lesson. Thursday ( Valenine's Day) it's back to Nashville for another Preds game. Friday, meeting my trainer. Saturday another Preds game. Whew!!!

The day my life changed forever

Today is an emotional day for me. This day 25 years ago my father died. It hit me harder today though, as I stood in the shower, which he died in his shower, as he was the same age as I am now. I thought of this and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The fact that he was only 36, that is was a senseless death, the fact that he left behind 2 young children. The coincidences were too much as I just sobbed. If I left my children now, they would never know who I was. I'd miss all those moments that my father missed, graduation, wedding, birth of grandchildren. It's a thought I just can't bear, as I know how it feels to be missing a parent when you so desperately need and want them, and as a parent, I just can't stand the thought of all of these big moments in my children's lives, passing without me in them.

I was young when my father passed, just about to enter those formulative years, the pre-teenage years when I needed the influence, needed the parent who always made me feel like the favorite, someone who made me laugh and feel loved. In a blink of an eye, it was all gone. He was gone. It changed me forever and after all of these years, it still stings, sometimes more than others, as in this year, with the age coincidence, etc. The time that followed his death, was hard for me. It was hard to see him being buried, but I needed that to get my closure. I remember my family trying to pull me away, that I was too young, but I needed it. In a sad way it really helped me to let go.

For so many years, I had lots of anger, denial, blame, doubts, abandonment, guilt, the whole gamut. It's hard to lose a loved one, especially one who you hold so dear. A person that was on a pedestal was gone, and it hurt then and it still hurts now. So I sit here now and I look outside, it just seems as if this day which is gray and gloomy has been filled with death and sorrow. My father's anniversary of his death, and then the call this morning about my neighbor who passed. It's enough death for one day.

Made it through

So I made it through hosting a Pampered Chef party and a Sugar & Spice party all in one week! yeah!!! the PC party is so not my thing, but it was still nice to get a home cooked meal for once, lol and having friends over was nice. The S&S party was a blast!!! Definitely more my speed, and I had a super good time. Lots of laughs, some good food, and booze, all made for an excellent night. The goodies I purchased later also a plus!! lol It's so not my thing of hosting parties etc, I always worry too much, feel like a lousy hostess, feelings of inadequacy, but this year, I really need to just let go of my fears, and just do it.

The kids are doing well. Elena is just a doll, but if I could just keep the child from knocking into everything and bruising up her beautiful little face, it would be nice. We still haven't done 1 yr pics because of this. sigh. I'm hoping to do them soon before she is 2 and I don't want her to feel the 2nd child syndrome of not being as good as the 1st. Something I am all too familiar with. Anyway, she's good, she's walking a lot more, she's a total babydoll!! If I could just keep her from liking the boys so much, I swear she is going to an all girl school, lol.

Poor little Jackson woke up from his nap today at school with a fever. I'm hoping he will be better tomorrow. He'll stay home from school tomorrow, and it will be nice that just he and I can spend some time together while Elena is at MDO. It will be weird having it that way, since I'm used to it being the other way around, but nice indeed. He's such a sweet and smart little boy. What did I ever do to deserve such awesome kids??? It's also very cute that he now has a HUGE crush on a friend of mine, yes Jacy, it's you. He has asked many times about her. He always goes for the brunettes. He's asked what her name is, told me she's very pretty, asked again what the name of the girl he likes is, if she could come to the zoo with us, if she can come over to the house again, I swear it's almost like he's a little stalker, a cute stalker though, lol. It's been a week, and he mentions her every day. He's gonna have to go to an all boy school, too. Darn kids already crazy about the opposite sex, they are going to be the death of me.

Stole This From Tanya

What Shannon Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?