The highs and lows

So what's new with me? I went to the dr, only to once again find out that I am supposedly fine. Apparently I am having panic attacks, which feel like heart attacks. Yay!! I am on some medication, and am hoping that it does the trick. Do I like to admit that apparently yes I am crazy, crazier than I originally thought? Nope, but I'm always honest, so there ya go. I'm hoping that anxiety is the cause and not actual heart issues. Crazy I guess is better than being physically sick I suppose. I guess all the crap that is going on in my life is just really catching up with me.

My sis and I aren't talking and probably won't for a long long time, my hubby forgot our dating anniversary and my kids are getting out of control. Things have gotten pretty crazy and I'm hoping that they get better. I realize things could get so much worse, so I am still trying to count my blessings.

I took the kids to Sesame Street today and we all had a good time. They were very good, and I am so thankful when they are good, and I melt when they are so sweet and loving to each other. I wish hubby would have gone with me, but that isn't his sort of thing. Hubby surprised me tonight with some bath goodies and a new CD I've been wanting. Yes, he's trying to make up for the anniversary debacle. I know he remembered Sunday that it was coming up, but by Wednesday his days were all mixed up, and it just made me mad. Oh and I forgot to mention he bought me self help books for the anniversary gifts. Nothing to make up for a major mistake than books to let me know how screwed up I am. Oh and I got a self help Christian book from my Aunt, yep, everyone apparently thinks I need lots of help. yahoo. Anyway, back to the good stuff. He's going to run me a nice bath tonight and massage and exfoliate my tootsies. I'm glad he's starting to try to make ammends, because I really do love him. I've always known he was the one, and I've always seen us as becoming this cute little old couple still very much in love, like his grandparents were. I can't envision my life without him, nor would I want to. I love my little family that we've made together and we've been through so much, I hope I never want to give up. Good night, I'm off to the tub.

Please say a little prayer

I'm still experiencing some health issues, so I called my dr and he was able to get me in today. Please say a little prayer that everything is okay, or that it's nothing very serious.

At a loss

Things just haven't been good lately. I hate to complain about things, when I know others have much bigger problems, but this blog is a way for me to get things out when I don't know who else to talk to. Physically things don't seem so good. I've had lots of heel pain (I've got heel spurs and plantar fasciitis) , and some other medical issues that I went to the dr to get some tests run. $300 later, I find out they can't find anything wrong. It's frustrating, I don't know if I really have something wrong, or it's just my anxiety making me feel bad. It's frustrating when you go to get help physically and mentally, and you just end up still feeling bad, but poorer, etc.

The other thing that's been weighing heavily on my mind is my sister. We've been having some issues, she hasn't had the time to talk to me, didn't wish me a happy anniversary, and while even her own 10 year old daughter called to wish me a happy birthday, she couldn't talk to me herself. She originally wasn't mad at me, but after all of my hurt feelings about the above mentioned, she's now pissed at me. Umm, something very wrong with this whole picture. She should be apologizing to me, but somehow all of this is my fault for "having a chip on my shoulder". She actually hung up on me tonight because of all of this. It hurts because I don't have much , if any family I am close to, and she was always my best friend and like a mother to me, up until this past year. So now, unless I want to apologize for being upset with her over her ignoring me all these past few months, I can consider her completely writing me off. Yes, my family is dysfunctional, it's one of the things that I've consistently had an empty spot in my life and a longing for a close knit family, whether it's blood family or just friends that are like my family. I'm just at a complete loss about all of this. It hurts and I spent the last part of my birthday crying because my sister didn't call. Mind you, she's always up until this year, been the one to call me first thing in the morning and sing happy birthday to me.

I'm just tired of being lonely, tired of feeling bad physically and mentally, tired of when I try to help myself out, it just backfires. I don't know, maybe I will just try a different dr, and maybe this time it won't bite me in the butt. I'm just confused about everything right now.

Feeling like a lunatic

So the election is over, my guy won, and hopefully he can turn this country around. It's disturbing to read about all the bigotry though, but hopefully he will be a great president and can prove himself to everyone. He has a long road ahead of him.

Lately, I just don't know anymore. I just feel like I am totally losing it. I am in such a funk, in a rotten mood, I scream at my children for good reason and no good reason, arguing with hubby ( we'd been getting along so good for so long, I guess we're overdue) it's just a weird time right now. I'm taking my St. John's, but I don't know, maybe it's just the PMS'ing, but I am just struggling.

We're in the middle of working on our bathroom, and I hope it comes out nicely. John hates it, which actually makes me sad as we've always been a team, and we try to compromise on all our decisions. Well, this one is my baby as he says, and I made all the choices and he hates it. Some wives might not care, I do. He's my partner, and I want him to be happy as well as me. Pray that it all comes together and he changes his mind.

The kids are doing well, other than all the fits lately. I've been spending a lot more time with Elena lately trying to strengthen our bond, and I have to say it's paying off, but I have a long road ahead. The girl is so much like me, stubborn, strong-willed, independent and the temper of a Tazmanian Devil to boot. It could be the death of me, but I'm hanging in, and it feels so nice when she wants me instead of Daddy.

I learned tonight that Elena can count to 10. I had no idea. The kids were also so precious in the tub tonight. Elena was playing, and Jackson wanted to get in, and they had a blast. It was so nice to see them having so much fun, and I hope that they continue to enjoy each other.

This weekend is my birthday, and boy, getting another year older is no fun. I keep thinking one day it will be better, I will be comfortable in my own skin, blah blah, but it hasn't happened yet, and who knows if it will. Maybe crazy people don't experience that comfort, who knows???

Keeping my fingers crossed

Today is election day and I'm so excited to see the outcome of this race! I'm so glad all of this will be over soon, and a new President will be named, hoping it's my guy of course. I stood in line for an hour last week, and while apparently my vote doesn't count ( the downside of living in a Republican state), I feel very blessed and honored to be able to vote. I really don't understand why you wouldn't want to vote. Yes, sometimes it's a pain in the butt, the long lines, the feeling like your vote doesn't count if you're in the minority for your state, but it's still the best thing we have to making our voice heard. I only dream of a time when they can revamp our voting process to make it easier for everyone to vote, and EVERY vote will count. It drives me nuts how a person can get the popular vote, but because of the way the electoral votes go, he still loses. Grrr.

This election has been historic regardless of the outcome. I think it's so awesome that we have gotten to see in my lifetime a black man and a woman running for the Presidency. Granted Hillary didn't get the final nod, but hey, it's all a work in progress. It's about time to put away all those racial and sexual discriminations, and just vote for the best man or woman for the job. Woo hoo!!! One day, I hope to see a woman president, but for now, I am just happy to hopefully have a black man as my president and pray that some idiot doesn't try to shoot him.

Weekly Update

This has been a pretty good week. The kids have been pretty good. My Mom came up Friday to take the kids to the movies and the park. Halloween we went TOT'ing with friends and had a great time. Saturday my head was hurting all day so I didn't do much. We went to the Preds game Saturday night, Vokoun wasn't playing, totally bummed about that one. Sunday we got pics done of the family, then the park with the kiddos, then lunch with a good friend. It was just absolutely the most perfect kind of weather today. Tonight I got my laundry room cleaned out, most of the way, it was absolutely horrible in there and trying to get all the kids seasonal clothes put up.

The week ahead holds work, boring, some cleaning, Bunco at my place, a consignment sale, candle party and a joint birthday party. Whew it's gonna be a busy week, but that's nothing new with us I suppose.